...Okay so this might sounds depressing, well it is, but I am at a low point in my life. We all go through it. It is something I will look back on and know that God had a plan for me to be right here right now. If only it didn't hurt so much in the mean time...
...This has been in the works for awhile, but I didn't want to except reality. Reality can be so harsh sometimes. Will and I broke up. Yeah not that big of a deal right. Well, I wish I could believe and say that. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have nothing to live for and I am so depressed. I want to keep myself busy, surround myself with friends, but mope around also. I feel like I am so needy right now. I keep apologizing to my friends, but they get mad when I do. Ha. I usually hide my feelings and don't want people to know something is wrong. I have come to realize that it is okay to show your down times. People do care and people will pray for me. I think reading blogs has helped me realize this and maybe just "growing up".
...I spent a nice weekend with Will two weekends ago. I was really nervous the Sunday before, but as the week progressed I got really excited to see him. I am comfortable with him. We dated a while and had big future plans. During the weekend I just didn't feel the same connection with him. This connection I am afraid has been fading for a very long time. I remember laying beside him while laying out at Barton Springs thinking "what am I doing?" I remember kayaking with him and the conversation was dead. I remember dinner at our favorite resturaunt in Austin and enjoying my meal, but knowing I do not feel the same way about him as I once did. I remember coming home on Sunday to pack up my things and crying. He comforted me and said we would see each other soon. I was comforted to a point, but in the back of my mind I knew break up was in the near future.
...I was right. 5 days later I ended things for good. It was hard, probably one of the toughest decisions of my life. I was not happy. He was not happy. (I hate typing these words!) it needed to happen. I cried non stop a few days before it happened and I cried Friday after I did it, Saturday, Sunday, and finally today there were a few less tears so far. I have talked to many people that I respect and admire in my life for advice about our relationship. My sister, who liked Will alot, told me she didn't think I could go through my last year of nursing school in this emotional state that I was in. She was right. Many friends and family members have mentioned that I have been distant, not myself, and just different. It is hard to hear, but I knew it was true. So, it had to end in break up. Ugh, it so hard.
...I have a fear that I won't meet anyone. I really want to have a family. I know I don't need to focus on that, but it is hard. I want to be the woman of a man's dreams. I was so emotionally involved with Will and really thought he was the one for me until it started follwing apart slowly. I saw some signs that it wasn't right from the beginning, then for sure around Easter, but I ignored my gut. Sometimes it so hard to know what the right thing to do really is.
...I know only time will heal things completely. And boy am I ready to be healed. I am not ready to date. I have no desire to date. I need to fix myself and figure out my life before I can even atempt to date. Who knows, maybe it will go quickly. God only knows.
...Now on to God. I grew up a Christian. I believe in God. I believe he doesn't give us more than we can handle. I do know that I haven't been involved in a church in several years. Yes several years. There I said it. I am going to be an open book. My relationship with God is so distant. I desire it back. I desire a church. I desire fellowship and Christain friends. I did I get to this point in my life. It's tough admitting it, but I want to. I have been praying for strength, courage, and wisdom. I have talked to a friend Melanie to go with her to Prestonwood in Dallas. It's a bit of a drive, but I have been once and really like it. I have this fear of visiting around by myself, but I also need someone I can truly rely on to go with. My best friend, Elizabeth and I have talked about doing a devotional together. I am excited for that. We talked everyday usually and never have discussed religion deeply. I am excited to see where this takes our friendship. It can only make it stronger.
...So in closing, I am sad, I am depressed, but I know God has a plan. I need to learn to lean on him and call on him always. I want to thank all my friends who have been there for me! God has blessed me with all of you in my life. I will be okay, but in the meantime I want to ask for some prayer and guidance in my life as I deal with the break up, last year of nursing school, and getting into the real world.
3 comments:
Rach, I am proud of you. I am praying for you. There is something big in store for you and God has a purpose for all of this. Love ya.
I found your blog because you are following my daughter's blog, Abby Grace. Oh honey, how I have been exactly where you are. I have been devastated and heartbroken over relationships that were not God's "Ultimate Plan" for my life. Looking back now, I realize how much worry and stress I put myself through, and for what? I am now married to the man of my dreams who loves me unconditionally, even with dirty hair and yesterday's mascara!!!! I hope I am not stepping on your toes, but I first wanted to thank you for praying for Abby Grace during her brain surgery, and then I read everything you are going through. I felt the urge to leave a comment and tell you just to be still and listen to His voice. I wished you lived in my area and you could come to our church. I will pray that you find a church home that you can be "plugged into" quickly, and that God will give you peace for the decision you have made. Don't look back and remember you are beautiful in the eyes of the Lord, and He has a plan for your life!!!!!
I'm proud of you too, girl. And I'll be praying right along side of you. Prestonwood is a great church, and I definitely recommend visiting. You might try Park Cities Baptist off of Northwest Hwy. Brian and I loved it and they have a great "young professionals" class called The Bridge. There's a good chance you'd find some Baylor alum there too!
Post a Comment